"Why can't it be me? Why can't I be the one?"

That's a line from Muriel's Wedding. When she says it, she's a tearful, snot-covered mess, lamenting her aloneness and feeling pretty much like nothing. Not unlike how I feel at the moment.

Tonight's whatever-it-was with Crush was most assuredly NOT a date. I grew suspicious of this when I paid for my own movie ticket. Ambiguity was introduced when he bought the coffee, but the fears were confirmed when I was summarily dropped off at about five after ten. And when I say "dropped off," I mean it--not walked to the door. I don't even think he stuck around to make sure I made it in.

Now, I acknowledge that maybe it was me--maybe I was too edgy, so obviously nervous about the situation that my body language indicated that I was not interested. I've been accused of this more than once. And I was supposed to come out and say something tonight, and I didn't. I swear, the words were literally stuck in the back of my throat. I did, however, throw out a compliment at the end--"I really enjoy hanging out with you." To which he replied, "Good times." Not the response I suppose I was hoping for.

And here I am, feeling like Muriel, all stupid and disappointed, and hopeless, knowing this feeling as well as I do. Figuring that this is my life. I guess this means I'll be back on the fucking online dating scene. So I can get my hopes up again, have a lousy date (although at least I'll know it's a date), and end up feeling about like I do right now when I get home or he doesn't call or whatever. I know it sounds like a vicious cycle, the very definition of idiotic behavior, but what else am I supposed to do? I don't want to be alone. People aren't supposed to be alone. Society (not to mention the smug marrieds and serial daters with whom I generally interact) certainly does its best to remind us of this every day.

Man, I had big hopes for this one. I believed it. I was ready for the next step. I thought maybe this blog would change from "peacegrrl's rants about the bullshit of being single" to "peacegrrl's blissful reflection on finally having someone in her life." Alas, here we are again. For those who have been reading for a while, I'm sorry that I keep repeating the same pattern. I'm just not sure what the hell I'm doing wrong.