Thursday musings

I don't really have anything new or interesting to say, but I'm sick of that super-depressing post from last Friday being the first thing on the page. So here I am. Thursday afternoons are my favorite--I'm done with class for the week, only in the office until five, and the weekend is finally within striking distance. Yesterday was such a horrible day that I went ahead and took care of all of the week's unpleasant work (phone calls to nasty parents, pissed-off residents, etc) in between crises, so that today I have little to do but take care of some paperwork and play around on Myspace. What I really want to do is go home and read. I started Darcy and Elizabeth, a super-nerdy Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice sequel. I love it, but I'm thinking as I read, is this the female equivelant to playing Dungeons and Dragons? All this going on and on about a book that was written like 200 years ago? Did you know that there are dozens of sequels to P&P out there? Not to mention all of the remakes and movies. Why do we get so darned excited when Darcy, who has been a real dip shit through most of the book, finally wins Elizabeth over? And how geeky is it that these are the things I spend my time wondering about?

I'm emotionally drained. I'm not sure if it's my ever-stressful job, all the excitement of my sister's pregnancy (which I'll admit makes me a little wistful, since I can't even get a date, and there she is having babies), this disaster of a crush situation, or what. Yesterday my boss paid me a big complement. Apparently I got off on one of my many tangents at a meeting earlier this week, and he said that the passion that I exhibit about what I do shows that I have a lot of potential. I feel good that he sees potential in me, but my big question to him was, what do I do if I feel like I'm all passion and no action? Just a bundle of emotions and reactions, and maybe excessive complaints, without a whole lot to show for it. I don't know where to put all of my energy, and half the time I feel like I don't have any. I think all of this just means I need a SERIOUS vacation. Does anybody want to go to Cancun? Or on a cruise? Or anywhere that's warm and has good drinks?

Isn't it 5 yet?
-pg

"Why can't it be me? Why can't I be the one?"

That's a line from Muriel's Wedding. When she says it, she's a tearful, snot-covered mess, lamenting her aloneness and feeling pretty much like nothing. Not unlike how I feel at the moment.

Tonight's whatever-it-was with Crush was most assuredly NOT a date. I grew suspicious of this when I paid for my own movie ticket. Ambiguity was introduced when he bought the coffee, but the fears were confirmed when I was summarily dropped off at about five after ten. And when I say "dropped off," I mean it--not walked to the door. I don't even think he stuck around to make sure I made it in.

Now, I acknowledge that maybe it was me--maybe I was too edgy, so obviously nervous about the situation that my body language indicated that I was not interested. I've been accused of this more than once. And I was supposed to come out and say something tonight, and I didn't. I swear, the words were literally stuck in the back of my throat. I did, however, throw out a compliment at the end--"I really enjoy hanging out with you." To which he replied, "Good times." Not the response I suppose I was hoping for.

And here I am, feeling like Muriel, all stupid and disappointed, and hopeless, knowing this feeling as well as I do. Figuring that this is my life. I guess this means I'll be back on the fucking online dating scene. So I can get my hopes up again, have a lousy date (although at least I'll know it's a date), and end up feeling about like I do right now when I get home or he doesn't call or whatever. I know it sounds like a vicious cycle, the very definition of idiotic behavior, but what else am I supposed to do? I don't want to be alone. People aren't supposed to be alone. Society (not to mention the smug marrieds and serial daters with whom I generally interact) certainly does its best to remind us of this every day.

Man, I had big hopes for this one. I believed it. I was ready for the next step. I thought maybe this blog would change from "peacegrrl's rants about the bullshit of being single" to "peacegrrl's blissful reflection on finally having someone in her life." Alas, here we are again. For those who have been reading for a while, I'm sorry that I keep repeating the same pattern. I'm just not sure what the hell I'm doing wrong.

My Space

I've been sucked into the revolution, and I have a myspace page now. I don't think it's nearly as cool as the blog, but it does have a musical soundtrack, which is kind of nice. Check it out if you get a chance.

Also--the crush and I have a pseudo-date this weekend. I call it "date" because it involves dinner and a movie and only the two of us. AND I swear, there has been some major flirting happening. I call it "pseudo" because I'm not sure who's paying for what. And it's still an undefined relationship. Legions of friends (okay, two people) are telling me this is the time to bust a move. However, I am hesitant for a number of reasons, the main one being stubbornness. I don't feel I should have to be the one to say anything. Which is probably why I'm in this predicament. Maybe I'll just pay him a really good compliment, telling him without really telling him. Some not-so-subtle line about how I've never been half as comfortable around any guy (well, straight guy) as I always seem to be around him. Which is actually true. Or maybe (and more likely) I will chicken out, nothing will happen, and I will end up just as confused as before. I think both of us are "special needs" when it comes to relationships. Maybe I'm banking on the idea that two wrongs make a right? Shit. Am I ready for the world of the emotionally mature relationship? It's a question I've asked many times, and I don't seem any closer to finding an answer.

Argh. Enough. I'm having a good week--I talked to K-dog last night, which is awesome, considering I've been such a shitty friend. And tonight there's a marathon of the BBC version of
The Office on PBS! Time to go.
-pg

Auntie Peacegrrl?

So the big news for the year is...I'm going to be an aunt! It's all very unexpected, but sister peacegrrl is due on September 28th. I'm extremely jazzed. I think being the spoiling eccentric aunt will be awesome. And when the baby starts to smell or get annoying, I can just give her back! :-) Of course this is me putting a positive spin on the fact that I'm a little jealous that my sister, who is three years younger, is quite a bit ahead of me in terms of the whole "settled down life" thing. I'm still chasing after the crush (although developments may be pending, stay tuned!), and STILL pondering whether or not to do the online dating meat market. My life follows a very predictable pattern, I tell you.

So outside of that big news, not much has been happening in frigid Ohio. Working, taking classes (anthropology is kicking my ass, but extremely interesting!) and knitting away. Only now I have a real knitting mission: baby clothes. Awesome. I'm teaching a six-week workshop this semester, too, which is fun. Every time I teach, I get nervous about it, and then once I get in there, I love every minute of it. Maybe that's my calling. I have no idea. Last night someone put a brutal truth in front of me about the realities of what I really want to do with my life, and it's making me think. Perhaps by working sixty hours a week and taking classes, I have built such a wall around myself that there's no WAY for a guy to find me, let alone time to pursue a meaningful relationship. Maybe I'm spending so much time trying to get ahead, get educated, get experience, that I'm missing my life.

Too deep. I need to relax. It's a Project Runway night, and they're down to the last four. BIG excitement. I love Wednesday nights.
-pg

Better late than never.

I'll skip the apologies about never posting and get right to the good stuff.

First, I'm pissed at that fucker James Frey. I take back anything nice I said about his damn book in earlier posts. And that's all I have to say about that.

Next up. I am ADDICTED to Project Runway. That may surprise most people. It certainly surprised me--I mean, one look in my closet is all it takes to determine that cutting-edge fashion is not so much my scene. But I LOVE the all the pissiness and drama! And the mean stuff that bitchy Heidi Klum says to everybody after the runway shows. It's great. And I have to admit that the talent really does impress me. I'm pulling for Daniel and Chloe, but Nick and Andre are pretty good, too. Bleh, I'm addicted to a reality show. I guess that means I have to stop making fun of American Idol fans.

So moving on, the oscar noms are out. No big surprises there. Although I have to say that I'm a bit pissy that Walk The Line isn't up for best picture. But I'm pulling for Brokeback and Good Night and Good Luck, so I guess it doesn't matter. Anyway, party at my place on March 5. I can't wait to see if Isaac Mizrahi tries to grab at somebody's crotch or something on the red carpet.

Okay, on to men. I think I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket, and it's time to branch out. This, however, means re-entering the dreaded realm of online dating, a subject about which I have ranted before. But unless I want to pick up some loser at a bar, it's my only option. So wish me luck as I toughen up and head out there yet again. And as a backup, does anybody have a cute brother/cousin/coworker/friend-of-a-friend they want to set me up with? All I really require is a college degree and a sense of humor...

That's really all for now. The last few weeks have been a struggle, I'm incredibly homesick, and my classes are wiping me out. On the plus side, though, it was one of the warmest Ohio Januarys ever, with hardly any snow. I'm hoping February follows the trend.
-pg

Depression Hurts

So everything's going well. Work is OK, it's a fresh new year, and I'm even trying the optimism thing. And then today I wake up, have a productive day, and at about 5pm, out of nowhere--sometime during the walk from the main office to my apartment--comes the crash. For reasons I can't explain, I just got this overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread. And then on top of that I was pissed, because I couldn't figure out why. I just felt horrible, like I was falling apart. Like I used to feel when I was 8 years old, when I was scared of thunderstorms and I'd start freaking as soon as the sky darkened. Ick. So I got home and bawled.

By now the waterworks are well over, but I'm still feeling pretty gross. I wish I could figure it out. I pulled this crap a few weeks ago, too, while I was in Texas. NOT a hit with the family, I can tell you. Does this mean I'm on the verge of a breakdown? Do I have some kind of deep oppressed psychological issue I'm supposed to be working through? Or am I just pissy because it's a rainy day and I have a cold? And what really irritates me is that I have absolutely no idea when it'll happen again. I guess all I can do is assume that it's just one of those things, life backing up on me or whatever.

Sorry--I really hate to use the blog as a stand-in for the shrink's couch. I guess I'm just hoping I'm not the only one who occasionally implodes with no good reason.

Back

OK, I know it's been a while. My readership is starting to drop off quite significantly. There are a few reasons for my delay in posting, so bear with me. First, I've been busy with work and training, and second, I'm sick, or getting sick, or something, with a sinus thing topped off by a headache that has made it really hard to spend any time in front of a computer screen. And thirdly and most importantly, I think Peacegrrl's World may have to find a new home. One of the things I love to do on this blog is rant--about work, men, etc. Unfortunately, I'm starting to worry about sharing too much, due to early carelessness in making the URL available to those who might use it for evil instead of good. It might be time for an address change. Moving might be a pain in the ass, so I've been putting it off and in the meantime neglecting the half-dozen folks who actually keep up with this thing. Many, many apologies. I promise that if I do move, I'll e-mail you where, and in the meantime I'll keep posting, even if it means being a little vague.

I hope all that made sense. I'm a little spaced on Sudafed so who knows. Speaking of drugs, I just read this upsetting article on Slate. I read A Million Little Pieces a few months ago and was pretty taken by it, so therefore it's kind of depressing to find out that a lot of it was probably bullshit. But you know what? I'm going to stand by my enjoyment of the book. True or not, it was still gritty and freaky and hard to put down, and the combination of growing up around an addict and reading James Frey's "story" sure makes the point that addiction is a nightmare. I myself have a somewhat addictive personality, alcoholism in the genes, and a slight bend toward occasional over-emotionalism, so I've always been afraid of getting sucked into substance abuse of some kind. Maybe it's good to scare ourselves every once in a while, just to make sure we watch our asses and the drunken episode at the friend's birthday party doesn't turn into a regular thing.

So moving on to something happier, I'm feeling pretty positive these days. Maybe it's all the sinus medicine, or the unusually warm Ohio weather (it broke 50 today!), or the novelty of a new year. But I'm just feeling good. My propensity for worrying about everything just seems like a waste of time, and for a change I'm choosing to keep the doom-and-gloom to a minimum. Work? Eh, it'll be fine, nothing I haven't dealt with before. Scary end-of-grad-degree 50 page essay project? It'll get done. Men? There's bound to be SOMEBODY out there for me, and even if I don't find him right away, at least a few people in the world think I'm pretty hot. See? This is SO unlike me! But really, it's easier to smile than to bitch. Even for me! And I'm feeling like if I can just stay on this upward swing, things will really come together this year. It will be interesting to see how long this lasts. Send some positive vibes my way.