The moodiest person I know

That would be me. I'm honestly starting to think I'm some kind of freak. Last week and the week before, I was a bundle of nerves, stress, and depression. This week, I'm a bundle of nerves, stress, and strange euphoria. I look back at journal entries from January, when I was on an optimism kick, and I wonder, who the hell was that? Then I look at stuff from last week, when I was doom-and-gloom and thoroughly obnoxious to all of my wonderful friends who are good enough to put up with me, and I think, well, who the hell was that?

Grr. My life is filled with uncertainties, and I deal with uncertainty as unproductively as possible. I worry about it, talk about it, write about it, obsess over it, and don't do much about it. Cases in point: I need to finalize my degree plan so I can graduate in August...but instead of going through the somewhat tedious process, I simply COMPLAIN about it. I don't sleep well, so I take sleeping medicine, but then I proceed to worry about the implications of taking it--will I get addicted? Do I really need it? Am I going to start sleeping too much? I need to confront a relationship that has gotten complicated and started to spill over the borders of a platonic friendship, but instead of having the talk, I worry about having the talk: have I been misinterpreting everything? Will I get rejected? Will I get depressed if I get rejected? How depressed? BLAH.

I am in a funk today. I slept without a sleeping pill last night, which means I had an actual dream (instead of the normal Ambien blackness). It was one that goes on forever, continues after you wake up, hit snooze, and doze back off; one that sticks with you all day. Super wierd, all about Casey (formerly The Guy, remember?), who I haven't spoken to in forever, so I have absolutely no idea where the hell it came from. Don't you hate it when you have a dream like that, that clings and leaves you with an anxious, confused feeling? At least I'm in a good mood. The semester is very quickly coming to a close, summer stretches out with at least the strong possibility that I will graduate, and the sun is out. Life could most certainly be worse.

Ah...Texas.

All pictures courtesy of islegavia, who actually survived an entire week with me and my family (and we both came out alive!)

The Alamo...

...and the Alamo Crackers.

Me and my tacky Texas mug

Huntsville Prison...also known as The Walls

Big pecan (actually, it's really just a big hunk of painted cement)

Only in Texas.

More about the trip--and my sloppy life--coming soon...

-pg

On the road again

So I got back from Indianapolis about 48 hours ago, and in a little more than 12 I'll be on the way to Texas. Thank goodness I have a washer and dryer in my apartment, or clean underwear would definitely be a problem after my 2-week travel marathon. Islegavia has decided to brave the wilds of H-town with me, so I'm hoping it's a success. My family--mom with a broken arm, sister three months pregnant (and quite grumpy about it), aunt Hazel crazy as always, and Tequila the Wonderdog--who actually ATE her way out of her harness--should provide endless hours of entertainment. It will make for some good stories, at the very least.

So I turn 27 in a few days, and I'm reflecting on the fact that birthdays start to suck after around age 17. When you're little, it's as if a special holiday has been set aside just for you, complete with ice-cream cake from 31 Flavors and matching Strawberry Shortcake dinnerware. When you're older, it's just about getting older. Sure, you might get a free margarita out of the deal, and some well-meaning friend will try and get you humiliated by the waitstaff at Ruby Tuesday's, but overall the shine has definitely worn off. I'm about to round the bend to 30, the biological clock is ticking as always, and I don't feel like I've accomplished much of anything. Welcome to the self-pity-fest known as the quarterlife crisis.

Well, with a stack of things to do before I can blow out of here I guess I'd better quit reflecting and get to work. By the way, Peacegrrl's World reached a milestone last week: 7,000 hits (since I put in a counter, anyway, and I can't remember when that was). Cool. I know this blog can be terribly whiny and self-indulgent, but I hope it's at least a little entertaining, too. Thanks for reading!
-pg

Damn you, chocolatey goodness!

So I just ate a king-size Three Musketeers bar. It's divided into two little bars, so that ideally you will eat one and save the other for later. As if. Three Musketeers is not a choice candy bar, it's the one I get because it's supposedly "big on chocolate, not on fat." But that fluffy crap in the middle is SO not chocolate. All you're really getting is the outside shell, and of course the miniscule amount of real chocolate in that little half-bar isn't enough. The point is that now, having consumed the whole thing, I have both a sugar high and a mild stomach ache. Blah.

What else can I complain about? Well, I'm missing South by Southwest, a big film/music festival down in Austin this week. Who's going to be there? Oh, nobody big. Just a whole crapload of famous people and under-appreciated indie bands...and NEIL YOUNG. Piss. But it's ok--Death Cab for Cutie and Franz Ferdinand will be in Austin on March 29th. Definite possibilty for when I'm down in TX for spring break...provided islegavia is up for it. Speaking of whom, islegavia's
window is famous! Immortalized forever on urbanohio.com! Who knew.

This week I am uncharacteristically happy because I'm off to Indy for a conference this weekend. Having never explored the great midwestern cities, this is kind of exciting. Actually, I'm more excited about escaping from the sea of drunken undergrads just in time for St. Patrick's Day. Several of my favorite people are job searching this weekend. I wish them luck, but it's a major downer because I don't want them to leave. There are many "worst things" about working in higher ed, but I think one of them is the fact that there are no constants. Your student population obviously changes, but so do your coworkers. Most folks don't stick around for longer than 3-5 years. For me, so dependant on my surrogate family of colleagues, this is a major drag. And yet another factor in my ongoing inner debate about whether or not to stay out in the world or go back to TX and be with my family.

Alrighty, an hour and a half left in the office and I need to have something to show for it, so I'm out. Safe St. Patrick's Day to all...
-pg

A Phillip Seymour Hoffman love story.

Ok. I realize, as I have stated time and time again, that I am the only female alive willing to admit that I find Phillip Seymour Hoffman remotely attractive. This isn't an actor with a fan site full of screensavers and wallpaper and gushing comments. But I can't help it. I love him. And now he has an OSCAR, so back off!!!

Oh, Phillip (can I call you Phil?), when did my affections begin? Maybe it was when you played that junkie on the 1991 episode of Law and Order. Or maybe you won my heart when you tried to bring father and son together in Magnolia. In any case, State and Main and Empire Falls pretty much sealed it. Sure, they say you're chubby and unattractive, but I say you're portly and endearing. If you ever get lonely, just call the peacegrrl.

Alrighty, enough of that. Last night was the annual pg oscar party, and hilarity certainly ensued. I annoyed everyone during the montages with my endless proclamations of "I've seen that! It's good!", and was even more obnoxious when all of my oscar predictions came true. But my friends endured all of it, and seriously cheered me up after a depressing weekend. I'm so relieved that the semester is half over, and that ACPA and Spring Break are just around the corner. And that I'm only on duty on more time this month--my weekend was total hell. I am not exaggerating--I was up both nights until 4am dealing with alcohol abuse in some form (including some girl-on-girl fighting in one of the halls!), and my pager went off so many times that the battery literally died. Blah! At least it's over and I survived. It's a new week, and I vow to keep my pissiness to a minimum. Maybe I'll give up pessimism for Lent?
-pg

Thursday musings

I don't really have anything new or interesting to say, but I'm sick of that super-depressing post from last Friday being the first thing on the page. So here I am. Thursday afternoons are my favorite--I'm done with class for the week, only in the office until five, and the weekend is finally within striking distance. Yesterday was such a horrible day that I went ahead and took care of all of the week's unpleasant work (phone calls to nasty parents, pissed-off residents, etc) in between crises, so that today I have little to do but take care of some paperwork and play around on Myspace. What I really want to do is go home and read. I started Darcy and Elizabeth, a super-nerdy Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice sequel. I love it, but I'm thinking as I read, is this the female equivelant to playing Dungeons and Dragons? All this going on and on about a book that was written like 200 years ago? Did you know that there are dozens of sequels to P&P out there? Not to mention all of the remakes and movies. Why do we get so darned excited when Darcy, who has been a real dip shit through most of the book, finally wins Elizabeth over? And how geeky is it that these are the things I spend my time wondering about?

I'm emotionally drained. I'm not sure if it's my ever-stressful job, all the excitement of my sister's pregnancy (which I'll admit makes me a little wistful, since I can't even get a date, and there she is having babies), this disaster of a crush situation, or what. Yesterday my boss paid me a big complement. Apparently I got off on one of my many tangents at a meeting earlier this week, and he said that the passion that I exhibit about what I do shows that I have a lot of potential. I feel good that he sees potential in me, but my big question to him was, what do I do if I feel like I'm all passion and no action? Just a bundle of emotions and reactions, and maybe excessive complaints, without a whole lot to show for it. I don't know where to put all of my energy, and half the time I feel like I don't have any. I think all of this just means I need a SERIOUS vacation. Does anybody want to go to Cancun? Or on a cruise? Or anywhere that's warm and has good drinks?

Isn't it 5 yet?
-pg

"Why can't it be me? Why can't I be the one?"

That's a line from Muriel's Wedding. When she says it, she's a tearful, snot-covered mess, lamenting her aloneness and feeling pretty much like nothing. Not unlike how I feel at the moment.

Tonight's whatever-it-was with Crush was most assuredly NOT a date. I grew suspicious of this when I paid for my own movie ticket. Ambiguity was introduced when he bought the coffee, but the fears were confirmed when I was summarily dropped off at about five after ten. And when I say "dropped off," I mean it--not walked to the door. I don't even think he stuck around to make sure I made it in.

Now, I acknowledge that maybe it was me--maybe I was too edgy, so obviously nervous about the situation that my body language indicated that I was not interested. I've been accused of this more than once. And I was supposed to come out and say something tonight, and I didn't. I swear, the words were literally stuck in the back of my throat. I did, however, throw out a compliment at the end--"I really enjoy hanging out with you." To which he replied, "Good times." Not the response I suppose I was hoping for.

And here I am, feeling like Muriel, all stupid and disappointed, and hopeless, knowing this feeling as well as I do. Figuring that this is my life. I guess this means I'll be back on the fucking online dating scene. So I can get my hopes up again, have a lousy date (although at least I'll know it's a date), and end up feeling about like I do right now when I get home or he doesn't call or whatever. I know it sounds like a vicious cycle, the very definition of idiotic behavior, but what else am I supposed to do? I don't want to be alone. People aren't supposed to be alone. Society (not to mention the smug marrieds and serial daters with whom I generally interact) certainly does its best to remind us of this every day.

Man, I had big hopes for this one. I believed it. I was ready for the next step. I thought maybe this blog would change from "peacegrrl's rants about the bullshit of being single" to "peacegrrl's blissful reflection on finally having someone in her life." Alas, here we are again. For those who have been reading for a while, I'm sorry that I keep repeating the same pattern. I'm just not sure what the hell I'm doing wrong.