So everything's going well. Work is OK, it's a fresh new year, and I'm even trying the optimism thing. And then today I wake up, have a productive day, and at about 5pm, out of nowhere--sometime during the walk from the main office to my apartment--comes the crash. For reasons I can't explain, I just got this overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread. And then on top of that I was pissed, because I couldn't figure out why. I just felt horrible, like I was falling apart. Like I used to feel when I was 8 years old, when I was scared of thunderstorms and I'd start freaking as soon as the sky darkened. Ick. So I got home and bawled.
By now the waterworks are well over, but I'm still feeling pretty gross. I wish I could figure it out. I pulled this crap a few weeks ago, too, while I was in Texas. NOT a hit with the family, I can tell you. Does this mean I'm on the verge of a breakdown? Do I have some kind of deep oppressed psychological issue I'm supposed to be working through? Or am I just pissy because it's a rainy day and I have a cold? And what really irritates me is that I have absolutely no idea when it'll happen again. I guess all I can do is assume that it's just one of those things, life backing up on me or whatever.
Sorry--I really hate to use the blog as a stand-in for the shrink's couch. I guess I'm just hoping I'm not the only one who occasionally implodes with no good reason.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Back
OK, I know it's been a while. My readership is starting to drop off quite significantly. There are a few reasons for my delay in posting, so bear with me. First, I've been busy with work and training, and second, I'm sick, or getting sick, or something, with a sinus thing topped off by a headache that has made it really hard to spend any time in front of a computer screen. And thirdly and most importantly, I think Peacegrrl's World may have to find a new home. One of the things I love to do on this blog is rant--about work, men, etc. Unfortunately, I'm starting to worry about sharing too much, due to early carelessness in making the URL available to those who might use it for evil instead of good. It might be time for an address change. Moving might be a pain in the ass, so I've been putting it off and in the meantime neglecting the half-dozen folks who actually keep up with this thing. Many, many apologies. I promise that if I do move, I'll e-mail you where, and in the meantime I'll keep posting, even if it means being a little vague.
I hope all that made sense. I'm a little spaced on Sudafed so who knows. Speaking of drugs, I just read this upsetting article on Slate. I read A Million Little Pieces a few months ago and was pretty taken by it, so therefore it's kind of depressing to find out that a lot of it was probably bullshit. But you know what? I'm going to stand by my enjoyment of the book. True or not, it was still gritty and freaky and hard to put down, and the combination of growing up around an addict and reading James Frey's "story" sure makes the point that addiction is a nightmare. I myself have a somewhat addictive personality, alcoholism in the genes, and a slight bend toward occasional over-emotionalism, so I've always been afraid of getting sucked into substance abuse of some kind. Maybe it's good to scare ourselves every once in a while, just to make sure we watch our asses and the drunken episode at the friend's birthday party doesn't turn into a regular thing.
So moving on to something happier, I'm feeling pretty positive these days. Maybe it's all the sinus medicine, or the unusually warm Ohio weather (it broke 50 today!), or the novelty of a new year. But I'm just feeling good. My propensity for worrying about everything just seems like a waste of time, and for a change I'm choosing to keep the doom-and-gloom to a minimum. Work? Eh, it'll be fine, nothing I haven't dealt with before. Scary end-of-grad-degree 50 page essay project? It'll get done. Men? There's bound to be SOMEBODY out there for me, and even if I don't find him right away, at least a few people in the world think I'm pretty hot. See? This is SO unlike me! But really, it's easier to smile than to bitch. Even for me! And I'm feeling like if I can just stay on this upward swing, things will really come together this year. It will be interesting to see how long this lasts. Send some positive vibes my way.
I hope all that made sense. I'm a little spaced on Sudafed so who knows. Speaking of drugs, I just read this upsetting article on Slate. I read A Million Little Pieces a few months ago and was pretty taken by it, so therefore it's kind of depressing to find out that a lot of it was probably bullshit. But you know what? I'm going to stand by my enjoyment of the book. True or not, it was still gritty and freaky and hard to put down, and the combination of growing up around an addict and reading James Frey's "story" sure makes the point that addiction is a nightmare. I myself have a somewhat addictive personality, alcoholism in the genes, and a slight bend toward occasional over-emotionalism, so I've always been afraid of getting sucked into substance abuse of some kind. Maybe it's good to scare ourselves every once in a while, just to make sure we watch our asses and the drunken episode at the friend's birthday party doesn't turn into a regular thing.
So moving on to something happier, I'm feeling pretty positive these days. Maybe it's all the sinus medicine, or the unusually warm Ohio weather (it broke 50 today!), or the novelty of a new year. But I'm just feeling good. My propensity for worrying about everything just seems like a waste of time, and for a change I'm choosing to keep the doom-and-gloom to a minimum. Work? Eh, it'll be fine, nothing I haven't dealt with before. Scary end-of-grad-degree 50 page essay project? It'll get done. Men? There's bound to be SOMEBODY out there for me, and even if I don't find him right away, at least a few people in the world think I'm pretty hot. See? This is SO unlike me! But really, it's easier to smile than to bitch. Even for me! And I'm feeling like if I can just stay on this upward swing, things will really come together this year. It will be interesting to see how long this lasts. Send some positive vibes my way.
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