Waiting Room

It's hard to describe exactly how I'm feeling these days. I guess "stuck in a waiting room" is the best phrase I can think of. I'm in between leaving behind an old job and starting a new one. I'm saying goodbye to a number of things in my life--old relationships, old habits, and getting ready for a future that at this point is extremely blurry. I'm second-guessing the decisions that I've made. It's a very, very weird place to be.

I saw The Boy two days ago. He made a surprise appearance at my doorstep. And I guess now I can see things a little more clearly than I could before. I said before that he dumped me, and that's not altogether true. The truth is he sort of left me behind. But I realize that it had to end the way it did--he doesn't know where on earth he's going, so how can I expect him to take me with him? Seeing him was bittersweet. It gave me closure that I've needed for a long time, gave me a longing for something that I got so close to. I mourn for what we didn't have and what we almost were. But I have faith that there was a reason for all of it. If I didn't believe that, I don't think I could live.

I've met someone new, okay, not really "met" yet, just pseudo-talking to him, one of the miracles of the informational age. The funny thing about all of that is that I'm more worried that he'll like me than I am that he won't. I'm about to move, so what's the point of starting something? Meeting someone new is so damned scary, anyway. Will he live up to the hype? Is he anything like the person he says he is? Am I anything like the person I say I am? Will I be good enough? There were times when marriages were arranged, when you didn't meet the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with until the morning before you exchanged vows. I'm not saying that was a good system, but in some ways it seems to beat the amount of time wasted blindly searching for someone to complete us. It's all such a damned headache and I just wish it would be over.

There really isn't much to say tonight. The wait goes on, I have a long list of unpleasant tasks to attend to (packing, for one), and the day I start an entirely new life is coming closer and closer. What the hell am I thinking, running off in the world like this, leaving everyone behind? I know, it's not like I'm off to Venezuela or anything, but still, it's the first big move of my life. Some people never venture more than a few hours away from their hometowns. I don't even have a hometown. I'm ready to move and terrified to move at the same time. So much is going on, and at the same time it feels like my world is at a complete and total standstill. What an oxymoron my life is becoming...
-Peacegrrl