Well, it's officially that time of the year--the snow has been flying since yesterday afternoon. At least it's not sticking to anything. It's seriously gloomy out there, though, which makes it hard to crawl out from under the flannel sheets in the morning. I need to get some of those full-spectrum lightbulbs or something. I think Seasonal Affective Disorder is already setting in. Then again, it's hard to differenciate between my normal crabbiness and crabbiness associated with the loss of daylight savings time. Someone told me yesterday that the last time they saw me NOT in an uptight, worried, or complaining mood was back in June. Am I only seasonally pleasant? Is my job destroying my ability to relax and think happy thoughts? The career-change contemplation continues. It will last at least through December, after which I will return from the holidays refreshed and optimistic, thinking that surely I can handle one more year. I can't decide if I keep doing this because it's my calling or because I'm terrified to do anything else. Is fear the only thing stopping me? Will I end up getting married, staying in this career, settling in and looking back twenty years from now wishing I'd taken a different path?

Aaah, enough career contemplation for now. I think my biggest problem these days is that I'm lonely. Definitely not lonely for friends, because I've been blessed with probably more than I deserve. Just wishing I had a non-platonic guy in my life. My relationship with The Boy was dysfunctional at best, but at least it was a relationship. This is going to sound unforgiveably cheesy, but there are times when everything seems to be falling apart and you just need someone's arms in which to sink. I value my independence and my ability to function as a single woman with a full-time career, and in no way do I think that I'm somehow "less than" because I don't have a man in my life. But that doesn't, not for a second, stop me from wishing that I did. I don't think I was meant to go through my entire life alone. And sometimes it's really hard for me to understand why I've had to face three of the hardest months of my entire life without the comfort of being able to go home to somebody. I'm certain I'll come out from all of this stronger than before. But that doesn't make it any less bittersweet.

Alrighty, end of reflection. Off to go on duty. I'm hoping that the cold weather slows everybody down and it's an unusually quiet Thursday night.
-pg