Alrighty, time for a 2005 recap.
Major surgeries: 1
Cars hit by: 1
Relatives lost: 1
Beloved family pets lost: 1
Doomed relationships: 1
Infatuations: 3
Drunk-dialing fiascos: 2
Smoking relapses: 1
Sisters sucked into abusive relationships: 1
Pounds gained: 15
OK, so it wasn't exactly the best year. But a few good things did happen--I got into yet another grad school, met some great people, visited 7 states, started a learning community, maintained awesome friendships, and I'm around to see another year. Things could always be worse. And as I've mentioned, I have extremely high hopes for '06. I might even break my "no New Year's resolutions" resolution and set some goals. I'd like to drop a few pounds, obviously, and give more to charity, and muck out the guestroom, to start. Maybe even pay off a credit card or two.
I've often wondered why people get so excited about New Year's Eve--it's really just another day, and another excuse to get drunk. They've never really offered much appeal for me (well, except for 1999, when the threat of major Y2K technological anarchy spiced things up a bit). But coming out of one of the hardest years of my life, I'm extremely jazzed to see this one come to a close.
I'm in the waning days of my visit to Peacegrrl Manor in Texas, and I think I'm reaching critical mass where my family is concerned, but overall it's been a pretty relaxing couple of weeks. No pagers, voicemails, radios, duty logs, or incident reports. I haven't had a decent night's sleep due to a strange holiday brand of insomnia that even Unisom won't shake, but I'm good. I even squeezed in a visit with Alicia and two days with Vixen, featuring a trip to the beach. I get back to Ohio on Wednesday, and I think by then I will have had my fill of family drama, dog messes, and The Nagging Aunt. Speaking of whom, she just walked in the door, which means it's dinnertime. So I'm out...happy new year to all, and don't party too hard! See you in 2006.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Some stuff I forgot to mention...
First a clarification...my whole rant about sex in that last post wasn't related to the guy I spent the majority of it talking about. That was actually residual frustration from other undefined relationships. Sorry for any confusion.
Also, I forgot to say, for those following along at home, that the friend I was sort of clashing with when I wrote this post and I have made up, and all is well. Which makes me very happy.
Another thing. I'm going to be in Texas from tommorow until January 4th. So if you're in the Lone Star State and you read this, the odds are that you're a good friend of mine who I'd really like to see. If you're going to be within any reasonable distance of Houston during that time, let me know so we can get together.
Okay, I think that's all. I need to go to bed, or pack, or something. I'll do my best to post from home and let you know all about Christmas with the peacegrrl clan.
-pg
Also, I forgot to say, for those following along at home, that the friend I was sort of clashing with when I wrote this post and I have made up, and all is well. Which makes me very happy.
Another thing. I'm going to be in Texas from tommorow until January 4th. So if you're in the Lone Star State and you read this, the odds are that you're a good friend of mine who I'd really like to see. If you're going to be within any reasonable distance of Houston during that time, let me know so we can get together.
Okay, I think that's all. I need to go to bed, or pack, or something. I'll do my best to post from home and let you know all about Christmas with the peacegrrl clan.
-pg
Did I miss my cue?
I just had dinner with the guy I've been into all semester. I haven't said much about him lately, I know--partly because there hasn't been a lot of new stuff to report, and partly because I don't want to jinx it. But I'll bring you up to speed. We spend a lot of platonic time together--lunches, dinners, long conversations, etc. According to He's Just Not That Into You, this is "hanging out," and when a lot of it is going on, it's not a good idea to assume that anything's developing. But according to the book of peacegrrl, it certainly feels like barriers are coming down, we're getting comfortable with each other, and some serious flirting is taking place. Not to mention that every minute I spend with this guy leaves me more convinced that he's some kind of incarnation of the man I pray I'll end up with. Not to say that he's The Perfect Guy. But The Perfect Guy for Peacegrrl? It's a possibility. He's smart, is comfortable making fun of me and being made fun of, is motivated, has a good career, an advanced degree, and is extremely laid back. He doesn't put up with bullshit, isn't moody, and likes to talk as much as I do. And of course I'm attracted to him. Getting to know this guy has really been the high point of a few pretty shitty months.
So, getting back to my point. We had dinner tonight, since I'm about to skip town for a few weeks and wanted to say goodbye and give him his Christmas present. And at some point, as it usually seems to do, our conversation turned to relationships. By his own admission, he's a little damaged from his last one, which ended in disaster. The discussion went here and there, and he mentioned that he doesn't feel like he's fully recovered, and he doesn't think he's in a place where he's looking for any kind of romantic relationship. Now, I can take a hint. I don't know if that comment was pointed toward me, but being the person I am, I felt it best to assume that it was. So we continued on with the discussion, and came up with this whole theory of honesty in relationships, and argued about the differences between men and women, blah blah blah. But then we start talking about those undefined relationships between men and women, when neither one of you is really sure of where it's going, but there's definitely possibility. And he says, "a girl would practically have to put it in writing for me to realize that she liked me. I'm not capable of guessing anymore." And I responded with something like, why would she bother, when you just said you weren't interested in a relationship? And he said, well, it's not that I'm not interested, I'm just kind of indifferent. I would need her to spell it out to even be aware of it.
So, here's my thought: was this my cue to be honest? To spell it out? To accept that as an admission that he's not sure where exactly we are, and that if I'm interested, it's time to make a statement to that effect? Of course I wussed out and didn't do it, and eventually the subject sort of faded. And now I'm thinking, shit, was I supposed to do something here? And then, even more complicatedly, after hearing him talk about how screwy he still is over his previous relationship, do I even want to step into that minefield?
Blah. I guess the main point of all of this is, I'm terrified of ending up alone. Yes, 26 is a little young to start worrying about this kind of stuff, but I'm telling you, the biological clock is a very real phenomenon. I'm lonely. I worry that my days of fertility are ticking away. I'm not a super hottie or anything like that. When I meet a guy I'm attracted to, and who seems attracted to me, it's a fairly big deal. My last few relationships have screwed me over, too. Maybe I'm as damaged as he is.
And what is the deal with womens' inability to separate sex and emotion? Guys seem to be able to do it so easily. Maybe we're not supposed to be able to do the same. We're always going to assume that if a guy likes us enough to want to sleep with us, surely he must also like us enough to want to have some kind of emotional connection with us. We can't be casual about it. At least I can't. But that's probably a whole other rant for a whole other day.
Fucking games. Why do we insist on playing them? This guy and I spent about two hours talking about how we didn't like games, and I think we were both perfectly aware that we were right in the middle of one the entire time. Am I going to be like one of the chicks on Sex and the City, doing this shit for another ten years? Blah.
-pg
So, getting back to my point. We had dinner tonight, since I'm about to skip town for a few weeks and wanted to say goodbye and give him his Christmas present. And at some point, as it usually seems to do, our conversation turned to relationships. By his own admission, he's a little damaged from his last one, which ended in disaster. The discussion went here and there, and he mentioned that he doesn't feel like he's fully recovered, and he doesn't think he's in a place where he's looking for any kind of romantic relationship. Now, I can take a hint. I don't know if that comment was pointed toward me, but being the person I am, I felt it best to assume that it was. So we continued on with the discussion, and came up with this whole theory of honesty in relationships, and argued about the differences between men and women, blah blah blah. But then we start talking about those undefined relationships between men and women, when neither one of you is really sure of where it's going, but there's definitely possibility. And he says, "a girl would practically have to put it in writing for me to realize that she liked me. I'm not capable of guessing anymore." And I responded with something like, why would she bother, when you just said you weren't interested in a relationship? And he said, well, it's not that I'm not interested, I'm just kind of indifferent. I would need her to spell it out to even be aware of it.
So, here's my thought: was this my cue to be honest? To spell it out? To accept that as an admission that he's not sure where exactly we are, and that if I'm interested, it's time to make a statement to that effect? Of course I wussed out and didn't do it, and eventually the subject sort of faded. And now I'm thinking, shit, was I supposed to do something here? And then, even more complicatedly, after hearing him talk about how screwy he still is over his previous relationship, do I even want to step into that minefield?
Blah. I guess the main point of all of this is, I'm terrified of ending up alone. Yes, 26 is a little young to start worrying about this kind of stuff, but I'm telling you, the biological clock is a very real phenomenon. I'm lonely. I worry that my days of fertility are ticking away. I'm not a super hottie or anything like that. When I meet a guy I'm attracted to, and who seems attracted to me, it's a fairly big deal. My last few relationships have screwed me over, too. Maybe I'm as damaged as he is.
And what is the deal with womens' inability to separate sex and emotion? Guys seem to be able to do it so easily. Maybe we're not supposed to be able to do the same. We're always going to assume that if a guy likes us enough to want to sleep with us, surely he must also like us enough to want to have some kind of emotional connection with us. We can't be casual about it. At least I can't. But that's probably a whole other rant for a whole other day.
Fucking games. Why do we insist on playing them? This guy and I spent about two hours talking about how we didn't like games, and I think we were both perfectly aware that we were right in the middle of one the entire time. Am I going to be like one of the chicks on Sex and the City, doing this shit for another ten years? Blah.
-pg
Thursday, December 15, 2005
A happy end to a long semester
I have been awful about keeping this blog updated for the past few months. And I'll tell you why. This semester has been hell. There's no other way to put it. And I hate the idea of putting more depression and sadness out into the world through this blog, so I try not to post unless I have something at least moderately happy or profound to say. Unfortunately, there just hasn't been much good news. Not to mention that my job has sucked up every bit of life that I have left in me after dealing with all of the personal stuff that has wreaked havoc on my nerves since the summer ended.
But I'm updating now, because I miss taking the time to do this, and because people have been riding my ass about it. And because there's a light at the end of the tunnel: the halls close tomorrow. I'm finished with classes for the semester. A four-week vacation looms ahead with the promise of lots of laziness, pathetic American consumerism, and traditional holiday overeating. I can't really say that I'm in the Christmas spirit, but knowing that one of the suckiest years of my life is just about over really does start to bring out a little holiday joy.
I really think 2006 has to be better. We'll have midterm elections in November, during which MAYBE the American people will finally get their asses to the polls and boot out some of the morons in Congress. I'll finally get my master's in August, and hopefully a little raise along with it. And of course there's always the possibilty that love is in store for the Peacegrrl. Maybe that new guy I'm still absolutely GONE over will finally get a clue. Hope springs eternal.
Anyway, now for a few updates. To start, Casey (formerly known as The Guy) came to see me last weekend, which was seriously cool. Not only did I get a replenishment for my good music supply, I also got to spend quality time with one of the nicest guys I know. I honestly felt like even though we hadn't seen each other since last July, we connected like no time had passed. Casey is smart, honest, funny, and a gentleman, which is hard to find these days. And I think he sort of gets me, which is SUPER rare. He's a catch, and I told him so. I will always wonder if the two of us would have any kind of a future if we actually lived in the same zip code and he was as anxious to settle down as I am. Hmm.
Now for a downer. I'm in the middle of an awkward stalemate with one of my good friends, and it's really starting to eat me up. I need to step up and talk it out with him, or I'm going to end up losing him, which I don't want to do. I don't know why I let it get this far out of whack, but it ends tomorrow. I'm going to suck it up, own up to the stupid things I've done and hope that maybe he'll own up to a few himself, and even if he doesn't, we're going to get over it. We have to, because life is too short to piss away friendships over dumb shit.
Whew. I feel a little better just having said that. My friends are one of the only things that have helped me get through these times. I guess one of the things I really want to make sure I do during this season is let them know what they mean to me, and how lost I'd be without them. Just knowing that my buddies here, in Texas, and scattered elsewhere around the planet are thinking of me half as often as I think of them is pretty comforting.
And now it's time for bed. In closing I want to tell everybody to think happy thoughts for my friend Alicia, who's interviewing like crazy for a new job in the wake of a shitty deal from her old one. Hang in there, girlfriend. I've got your back. :-)
-pg
But I'm updating now, because I miss taking the time to do this, and because people have been riding my ass about it. And because there's a light at the end of the tunnel: the halls close tomorrow. I'm finished with classes for the semester. A four-week vacation looms ahead with the promise of lots of laziness, pathetic American consumerism, and traditional holiday overeating. I can't really say that I'm in the Christmas spirit, but knowing that one of the suckiest years of my life is just about over really does start to bring out a little holiday joy.
I really think 2006 has to be better. We'll have midterm elections in November, during which MAYBE the American people will finally get their asses to the polls and boot out some of the morons in Congress. I'll finally get my master's in August, and hopefully a little raise along with it. And of course there's always the possibilty that love is in store for the Peacegrrl. Maybe that new guy I'm still absolutely GONE over will finally get a clue. Hope springs eternal.
Anyway, now for a few updates. To start, Casey (formerly known as The Guy) came to see me last weekend, which was seriously cool. Not only did I get a replenishment for my good music supply, I also got to spend quality time with one of the nicest guys I know. I honestly felt like even though we hadn't seen each other since last July, we connected like no time had passed. Casey is smart, honest, funny, and a gentleman, which is hard to find these days. And I think he sort of gets me, which is SUPER rare. He's a catch, and I told him so. I will always wonder if the two of us would have any kind of a future if we actually lived in the same zip code and he was as anxious to settle down as I am. Hmm.
Now for a downer. I'm in the middle of an awkward stalemate with one of my good friends, and it's really starting to eat me up. I need to step up and talk it out with him, or I'm going to end up losing him, which I don't want to do. I don't know why I let it get this far out of whack, but it ends tomorrow. I'm going to suck it up, own up to the stupid things I've done and hope that maybe he'll own up to a few himself, and even if he doesn't, we're going to get over it. We have to, because life is too short to piss away friendships over dumb shit.
Whew. I feel a little better just having said that. My friends are one of the only things that have helped me get through these times. I guess one of the things I really want to make sure I do during this season is let them know what they mean to me, and how lost I'd be without them. Just knowing that my buddies here, in Texas, and scattered elsewhere around the planet are thinking of me half as often as I think of them is pretty comforting.
And now it's time for bed. In closing I want to tell everybody to think happy thoughts for my friend Alicia, who's interviewing like crazy for a new job in the wake of a shitty deal from her old one. Hang in there, girlfriend. I've got your back. :-)
-pg
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