Did I miss my cue?

I just had dinner with the guy I've been into all semester. I haven't said much about him lately, I know--partly because there hasn't been a lot of new stuff to report, and partly because I don't want to jinx it. But I'll bring you up to speed. We spend a lot of platonic time together--lunches, dinners, long conversations, etc. According to He's Just Not That Into You, this is "hanging out," and when a lot of it is going on, it's not a good idea to assume that anything's developing. But according to the book of peacegrrl, it certainly feels like barriers are coming down, we're getting comfortable with each other, and some serious flirting is taking place. Not to mention that every minute I spend with this guy leaves me more convinced that he's some kind of incarnation of the man I pray I'll end up with. Not to say that he's The Perfect Guy. But The Perfect Guy for Peacegrrl? It's a possibility. He's smart, is comfortable making fun of me and being made fun of, is motivated, has a good career, an advanced degree, and is extremely laid back. He doesn't put up with bullshit, isn't moody, and likes to talk as much as I do. And of course I'm attracted to him. Getting to know this guy has really been the high point of a few pretty shitty months.

So, getting back to my point. We had dinner tonight, since I'm about to skip town for a few weeks and wanted to say goodbye and give him his Christmas present. And at some point, as it usually seems to do, our conversation turned to relationships. By his own admission, he's a little damaged from his last one, which ended in disaster. The discussion went here and there, and he mentioned that he doesn't feel like he's fully recovered, and he doesn't think he's in a place where he's looking for any kind of romantic relationship. Now, I can take a hint. I don't know if that comment was pointed toward me, but being the person I am, I felt it best to assume that it was. So we continued on with the discussion, and came up with this whole theory of honesty in relationships, and argued about the differences between men and women, blah blah blah. But then we start talking about those undefined relationships between men and women, when neither one of you is really sure of where it's going, but there's definitely possibility. And he says, "a girl would practically have to put it in writing for me to realize that she liked me. I'm not capable of guessing anymore." And I responded with something like, why would she bother, when you just said you weren't interested in a relationship? And he said, well, it's not that I'm not interested, I'm just kind of indifferent. I would need her to spell it out to even be aware of it.

So, here's my thought: was this my cue to be honest? To spell it out? To accept that as an admission that he's not sure where exactly we are, and that if I'm interested, it's time to make a statement to that effect? Of course I wussed out and didn't do it, and eventually the subject sort of faded. And now I'm thinking, shit, was I supposed to do something here? And then, even more complicatedly, after hearing him talk about how screwy he still is over his previous relationship, do I even want to step into that minefield?

Blah. I guess the main point of all of this is, I'm terrified of ending up alone. Yes, 26 is a little young to start worrying about this kind of stuff, but I'm telling you, the biological clock is a very real phenomenon. I'm lonely. I worry that my days of fertility are ticking away. I'm not a super hottie or anything like that. When I meet a guy I'm attracted to, and who seems attracted to me, it's a fairly big deal. My last few relationships have screwed me over, too. Maybe I'm as damaged as he is.

And what is the deal with womens' inability to separate sex and emotion? Guys seem to be able to do it so easily. Maybe we're not supposed to be able to do the same. We're always going to assume that if a guy likes us enough to want to sleep with us, surely he must also like us enough to want to have some kind of emotional connection with us. We can't be casual about it. At least I can't. But that's probably a whole other rant for a whole other day.

Fucking games. Why do we insist on playing them? This guy and I spent about two hours talking about how we didn't like games, and I think we were both perfectly aware that we were right in the middle of one the entire time. Am I going to be like one of the chicks on Sex and the City, doing this shit for another ten years? Blah.
-pg