Things that are bugging me today

First off, the very nice housekeeper came by earlier and vacuumed my entire office. And then I spent the afternoon stuffing my face with Munchies Ultimate Cheddar Snack Mix, and now there are little pieces of Crispix all over the floor. I am a slob.

Next, my credit score sucks, which I pretty much suspected, but it still stings to know that I was right. I'm trying to avoid working this summer by saving money so I can just take classes and hopefully blow through this degree a little faster, but now I'm not so sure. Ten-month contracts are bullshit, I say.

Finally, my friend from Jersey is leaving the department today, and it bums me out. A lot of people are leaving lately. It started with wonderful Erin back in the fall, then Rock Star Terri left, and now I have to say goodbye again. Makes me feel like there's a "sinking ship, get off!" syndrome happening. I feel good about my job right now, but it's a delicate balance around here.

LD blogged a few days ago about feeling the call to serve somewhere else and worrying about being too comfortable where we are, and I so know where she's coming from. In some ways my awful credit card debt is an insulater--as long as I have a pile of bills to pay every month, there's no way I can take a low-paying, scary, but super-fulfilling job. Every time I hear about someone heading off to do the Peace Corps or working with a social justice non-profit I get a little knot in my stomach, and I know why. I have felt restless since I graduated from college, and I'm starting to think it's supposed to be that way. I don't have my future planned out like everyone around me--the M Ed., working up the student affairs ladder, etc. I'm not fully committed to this profession and sometimes I feel like people think I'm nuts. Yes, I'm getting a MLA because I don't know what I want to do two years from now, and as long as you don't know what's next for you, why not get a free degree while you figure it out? I constantly feel the need to justify my constantly-changing decisions. I talk about big ideals and making a difference, but I'm terrified to take the plunge. I'm sure that LD, and my Jersey buddy, and everyone I know and love knows this: the strange thing about this part of our lives is that we're surrounded by friends and family and people who care about us, and yet as we try and map out our little paths through this life, it's almost terrifyingly lonely...
On that depressing note, a happy weekend to all. And here's something to chew on while we watch the news this weekend.
-Pg

We are, each one of us, responsible for every war because of the agressiveness of our own lives, because of our nationalism, our selfishness, our gods, our predjudices, our ideals, all of which divide us. And only when we realize, not intellectually, but actually, as actually as we would recognize that we are hungry or in pain, that you and I are responsible for all this existing chaos, for all the misery throughout the entire world, because we have contributed to it in our daily lives, and as part of this monstrous society with its wars, divisions, its ugliness, brutality and greed--only then will we act.
-J. Krishnamurti
(on The Daily Dig)