Piss.

Well, the euphoria of last Wednesday has definitely given way to serious nastiness. Everything fell apart the next day--the mean parents returned. Work started to suck again. And then, to add insult to injury, my dog died. Today my continued lack of sleep (I wasn't allowed to take a sleeping pill last night thanks to duty), along with an uncool run-in with this mean crazy woman in one of my classes, led to a total breakdown. I walked into my apartment at five today, quietly proceeded to the bedroom, and absolutely dissolved into a pile of tears. It wasn't pretty--you know, that snotty-hiccupy kind of crying that is best reserved for privacy. You know how they say grief knocks you on your ass when you least expect it? Well, I think I got my ass-knocking today. After mopping up what was left of my face, I of course had to pull myself together and arrive at the office for an evening of meetings, which has been fun. I'm sure everyone can see that my face looks like a pillow that has been punched in, but thank goodness they've kindly refrained from mentioning it. That's one good thing about a 24-hour a day job...you can't completely fall apart. You can short-circuit in episodes, but then you need to slap on some concealer and march back into the office to deal with everybody else's life. And I'm glad, truly I am. I can't lose it if I never have a chance to.

Really, I'm ok. Everything is just backing up on me. I hope that once I get home and see my family I'll pull myself together. I hate the drama. I hate feeling like I'm the one to whom all the shitty, quirky stuff happens. And I hate the guilt that comes with feeling like this while knowing how small and inconsequential my little problems really are. I want to wallow, but I'm no good at it. My life doesn't suck bad enough for wallowing. It's just a little rough around the edges at the moment, that's all.

Believe it or not, when I logged into Blogger I was planning to do a rambling post about Philip Seymour Hoffman before I got distracted by how crappy I'm feeling. Did you know that there are no good fan sites about him? Am I the only one in the world who thinks he's adorable? More on that later, though, because my office hours are up and it's time to put on a happy face for my 10pm staff meeting. Seriously, this job doesn't leave nearly enough time for whining.