Peacegrrl's Law

Shit never works out the way I want it to.

I had this epic decision-making moment last week involving a on-again, off-again toxic relationship. I wrote this fabulous letter (yeah, by hand, on PAPER) because I felt I needed to mail it off into the universe and seal the relationship's fate instead of relying on impersonal e-mail. Then I forgot to mail the letter. Then the guy came online and wanted to chat, and I mentioned that I had made the afore-mentioned big decision regarding our future. So he wanted to know what the deal was, and rather than belabor the point I started to explain it over IM, and then he had to go. Of course by this point I'd already started to get to the point, and then I got cut off, and then I felt stupid. So I ended up e-mailing the damn letter after all. What was going to be this cathartic, somewhat romantic step forward for me was reduced to a really akward conversation and a letter that looked good on paper and sounded really dumb in a yahoo e-mail message. That's what I get for being such a drama queen.

But really, I'm telling myself that moving on is a good thing. Cleaning out the closet, dusting off those things we hang onto even though they don't fit anymore or we realize that they never did--it's a good thing. Nobody wants to toss our their skinny jeans, because we just know, deep inside, someday the damn things are going to fit. And the same applies to men. Nobody wants to let go of their version of The Boy--that guy we love so much who will never, ever get a clue and love us back the way we deserve. Because then we've just given up, and who the hell wants to give up? But comes a time when you realize that the skinny jeans are just taking up space and holding you back--you don't look for anything better because you've already got something, and even though it doesn't fit you or your life, damn it, you put some time into it! And you still believe that eventually it's going to work out!

I don't want to take my silly metaphor too far. Really, I didn't say goodbye forever. I just laid down the law a little bit (Thanks so much, "He's Just Not That Into You.") But I know that on some level I've finally given up on the skinny jeans in my relationship closet. Who knows if I've made room for something better, or if he's going to wander back new and improved and ready to devote himself to me. But I'm not being fair to myself or anyone else I meet in the meantime if I don't move on and grow up. It sucks, but it's reality.

And in the interest of ending on a happy note, I'm glad to say that there are some really good guys out there--like the one I met a little too late, after I'd already decided to move away. Maybe he's the post-Boy guy for me, and the timing will eventually work itself out. Or maybe I keep stumbling into doomed "relationships" because the right one is still waiting up ahead somewhere. Who knows. It's not like me to be optimistic, but maybe there's something to it.

-an oddly introspective peacegrrl