Okay, I take it back.

The meaningless sex comment, I mean. I've been thinking a lot about relationships, quasi-relationships, and the lack of value that I seem to have been putting on myself and my own standards in some of the situations I've found myself in lately.

I guess it started a few days ago when I talked to a person with whom I had sort of a fling a few years ago. There was something about the way he talked to me--like I was an object or something, some kind of enigma that existed only for his happiness and pleasure. About halfway through the conversation, I made two serious revalations. One: I was dealing with a total asshole. And two: I've sent the wrong message about myself, or else why would he think he could get away with that?

I used to pride myself on being very open and honest about sex, men, and relationships. I hated the idea that it was okay for men to lay it out on the table, but for women there seem to be all of these taboo subjects. So I chose to ignore the "rules" regarding what women can say about sexuality. I liked to think of myself as free and open-minded, and feel sorry for those who couldn't be more honest about their feelings and desires. But I reflect on where that attitude has gotten me in the past five years. A string of flings, one fairly meaningful relationship that ended in disaster, and a whole lot of frustration. Sure, I'm never really alone for long, but I still always manage to feel lonely in the midst of my botched romances.

I worry that I've held myself at too low of a price. That people look at me and think I don't want the traditional things that come with relationships: security, respect, even love. I've objectified sex and made it something that's not connected nearly enough to those things, so maybe the guys I've dated lately figure they can get away with not giving them to me.

I don't know what the answer to all of this is--I want to stop sending the wrong message about myself, and yet I don't want to give up honesty and independance. But all I know is that I'm tired of feeling the way I do right now, of letting people like that asshole think they can talk to me that way. I deserve SO much better than that. To quote my friend islegavia: "didn't he know he was in the presence of a goddess?" Does the message I send about myself bear any resemblance to the person I really am? It's time to think about that.
-peacegrrl